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Hollywood Squares


Hollywood Squares

These lines are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's pre- PC days).


Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, how high should you be?

A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes...


Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!


Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!


Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.


Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!


Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?

A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!


Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?

A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.


Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.


Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie, "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?

A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.


Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.


Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A: Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q: Do female frogs croak?

A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?

A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.


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Copyright 2002 Kauer's Korner
Last modified:    April 2013